All quiet on the blogger front

Last week was a hectic week at work, and a new one begins today. A new week that is. There is a lot to do but it shouldn't be too hectic for once. Famous last words!

I am in a turbulent time with God. It seems my first love has waned and I want it to wax. I am not sure that I can cope with the pain that may come my way through that process. God has been showing me some of the darker internal workings of my heart and I feel like I am mourning for them at the moment. That sounds weird doesn't it? It is I suppose. This is a weird time for me. I seem to be two people. I am crying for my sinful heart in church, then running away and not talking to anyone because I feel an overwhelming shyness at the end of the service. Then when I do read (which is not as often as I should) or pray (which is also rarer than it should be) I feel challenged - reading stuff on the parables at the moment. I feel challenged by the rich young ruler and the workers in the vineyard and the prodigal son (and brother) but not exactly sure what God is saying. I know he's saying something but it's like I'm slightly out of focus and it's driving me crazy. And I can't seem to talk about this with anyone without clamming up.

Maybe thats why I've really been quiet on the blogger front.

Oh, God did tell me a couple of weeks ago not to worry about money. I wasn't worried about it before. I am now. It's like I'm flying in the face of what he says at an inner level I am struggling in a battle with. God help me cos I can't help myself.